I’ll miss you. I’ll miss your energy and messing around together. I’ll miss how you smiled broadly and lit up when your mummy walked back into the room.
I remember that you hated being in hospital. You hated it. I loved your disapproving looks. You preferred silence. You liked to keep quiet and play on your Nintendo DS. You tackled cancer with the quiet and unwavering resolve of a calm and wise old man. You had no choice.
You loved being with your mum most of all. You loved it when your Dad and Freya would come that visit or take you home.
The rest of the time you quietly endured the long periods of treatment. You loved the trip to Eurodisney. You loved Ailish and some of your other nurses. You had so much fun with your play workers.
You weren’t sure of me at first. You didn’t know if I was a ‘medical’ person. It was only when I was ‘super-silly’, crazy silly till I made you laugh, that you started to acknowledge me. When I threatened to come over and ‘tickle you until you peed your pants and all across the floor’…you spoke to me, you gingerly looked over your games console, smiled and said ‘you wouldn’t’…………….’oh but I would…’…
I had to be as silly as possible and as off the wall as possible to engage you. I liked it when I made you smile. You quietly observed everything.
Do you want some sweets? Lego? If I’m Batman….you can be my Robin…how’s about when Daya’s asleep you teach me how to play on this Nintendo…oh I’m not very good…’hmmmmm’…I literally have no idea how to use this games console…’what’s that?’….’this thing…it’s called a games console’…….’no it’s a Nintendo DS’……
‘Ok….have you got my sweets?’
‘I saw your baby…’.
‘Did you? Was she cute? If she was cute then she was mine….wait where did you see her? Is she trying to escape….’
‘Yep. It was yours…she is cute. My mum said she’s got what I’ve got…’
‘How’s it going Freddie?’
*silence* You shrugged your shoulders.
‘That good eh…me too…I wish we could just leave, don’t you?’
‘Yeh. I want to see my sister. My dad’s coming to get us when we go home’.
‘It won’t be long. You’ll get to go home and sleep in your own bed, eat what you like, cuddle Freya…sit on the sofa…’
‘Yeh’
‘I’ll miss you….I might get lonely without you…I’ll have to be naughty to keep myself entertained…’
You smiled.
‘I will. I’ll miss you. But it’s far better for you to be at home…’
I bought you some Lego. The last time I saw you I left it for you. The last time I saw you, you were curled up like a baby. You were fast asleep. I could see you were skinner and tired. So, so tired. I saw your mum, chatted briefly and gave her a hug. You were in our old room. I wanted you out of there and back home. I saw your mum and I knew we had both walked in the same shoes. Sleepless nights merged into one. The fatigue was real. So was the fear. I knew what she was feeling. I pulled the blanket up over you. Leaned down, held my breath, stroked your hair, smelt it and tried not to cry.
‘Let him sleep… you keep strong. You’re awesome. I’ll be back. You’ve an awesome mother…I’ll be back soon’.
I hugged her tight and left. I never got to see you again. I’ll remember you for your quiet, strong and enduring resolve and your love for your family. You were a wonderful son and an incredible brother to little Freya.
My Three Little Bears 