Witness

Darling, you're with me, always around me
Only love, only love

Come on love, come on love
Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart

Ben Howard, Only Love

I’ve always said that to fully appreciate the joy, you have to, to a large extent, acknowledge what you’ve been through to get there. It’s all bitter sweet…but we got lucky and the most important thing is to hold gratitude with the respect that it deserves. I couldn’t let this day go by without sharing my overflowing heart with you.

I’ll always be grateful for ‘three and not two’ on this beach. We have been through too much to be here now. It is these precious, fleeting moments that fill me up, that bring me joy, that make me feel full of gratitude…

Amongst all the exhaustion, the drain and pain of being a carer, it is these moments that I cherish the most. I have been tortured to the core by what we have had to endure for countless years.

I witnessed the trauma, nearly all of it. I now appreciate every tiny thing they get to do. I am adamant to never take anything for granted. I longed to be the type of parent that could take things for granted and just be amongst everything without worry or fear – I saw that as normality. I was naive. It will not be my life.

Instead, however, I have the depth of appreciation that makes you smile at the littlest things, the things you want to burn into your memory just in case they aren’t here anymore: the funny things they say when you’re driving, when you hear them singing as though no one is listening, when they are being creative or insightful, when they are talking to each other and it’s funny….Their little lives are so precious to me and sometimes, like today, mine is full of all the things I get to appreciate and witness for all the right and good reasons.

She is skinny, tires easily and has been through much in the last two years. I will write on that when I am ready. For now, just know that these moments are the silver lining.

With much love, gratitude and appreciation.