Today has been a struggle. It’s been a bad day. Nothing in particular has happened.
Physically I’m exhausted.
Emotionally I’m tired.
Mentally I’m exhausted.
I don’t think about the future that much. I don’t think about the past. When I think about the future I worry about the kids, finances, life, the balancing act. All the normal things but they feel magnified for some reason as I can’t seem to do enough to make things better.
Daddy’s keeping spirits up at the hospital and messing around.
Booboo has been struggling this week. She looked very weak and tired. It has broken my heart seeing her like this. She’s not the same baby anymore. I really need this chemo to work.
So I took Big Sister along to work her happy magic. The pictures speak for themselves.
They played and cuddled through the IV antibiotics. She’s neutropenic and unwell and not allowed home.
Separately when we got home, I asked her to gently wake her sister from her nap and walked in to find she had climbed into the cot. It was cute. I thought she would just stroke her through the bars. Then she said ‘oh my little darling let’s get you out of your sleep bag and then we can have a nice long cuddle’!
We went for a walk today. To try and feel normal. It was draining for me but I thought it was important to get them out and to the park. Normal things. JJ hasn’t been happy today. She’s been a bit cranky for some reason.
Booboo has been tired, in pain and feeling poorly.
She is turning into a mini version of her daddy. A little clone. The more time she spends with him, it is hard to tell where one starts and the other ends.
I’ve been feeling sad and a bit overwhelmed today. Posting these pictures has made me smile.
I really need the chemo to work. Her cancer is solid. It forms solid masses in the body and the bones. It’s harder to treat. That’s part of why they call it an aggressive cancer. It also expands and explores the body rapidly.
You wouldn’t want to be me right now. And what I wouldn’t give to have some normal problems. I hope one day we can go back to normal boring problems. In time I’ll work out a way to help others going through what we are going through but for now I just need to get through it.
I miss daddy. I miss the family being together. Cancer fractures families. It takes something away from everyone.
My kids have lost the mother I wanted to be; because I am spread so thinly. They have lost time with each other. They are losing out on experiences.