Reading at bedtime. I was sitting in their bed and we were having a chat.
Me: Yes you were in my tummy.
Jasmine who is laying down relaxing, sits up suddenly, looking shocked: Whaaaat?!!! You ate us!!!
Me, equally shocked: No! Noooo! No. Noooo. No. I did not. I did not eat you.
Daya silently eyeballing me…waiting for an explanation. Her face full of disbelief and distrust.
Jasmine looking slightly worried.
Me: No I did not. I only eat chocolate. I did not eat you.
Jasmine: silence.
Me: Goodnight babies.
*****
They were looking at pictures on my phone from when they were babies.
Daya: Why do you have your boobies in my face!
Jasmine: Let me see Daya. Why….why are your boobies on my face???
Me: I used to feed you. Sometimes, together at the same time. You would hold hands above your head.
Jasmine: You have big BIGGGGGGG boobies and Daddy has tiny, tiny boobies!
Daya: yeh his teeny boobies they move when he’s a skippin’.
Me: Oh my god. (I was laughing).
Them: Tell us why you have big boobbbbbieeessss
Me: Stop it.
Them: Singing loudly and dancing: BIG BIIIIGG BOOOBIESSSSSSS
Me: I gave you milk when you were small and Daddies don’t do that. So they have tiny boobies.
Them: Huh? Like a cow? Nani said cows give us milk in the bottles.
Me: Oh. Ummmmm. Ask Nani all about it then. Go to sleep now.
Daya: BIG MILKKKKKKYYYYY BOOOOOOBIES!!!!
Me: stop it.
Daya, hands gesticulating: come on Jasmine. Say it. BIGGGGGG
Me: Sit down Daya
Jasmine and Daya: BIG
Me: Stop it. Lay down both of you.
Jasmine and Daya: MILKY BOOBIESSS.
Me: Ok. Carry on. Carry on. Just carry on.
*****
Someone: What’s your daddy’s name?
The babies, together: Anu
What’s your Mummy’s name?
Loudly, together: BIG BUMMY MUMMY. BIIIIGG BUMMMY MUMMMY.
Me, mortified and mumbling: Oh god please. Take me. Take me now.
Anu laughing so hard he’s crying.
Me: shut up will you. The more you laugh the more they do it. And they tell everyone.
*****
Daya: My daddy works all the time.
Someone: what does Daddy do?
Daya: He works all the time….
Me: Does he do anything else?
Daya: he does……..his skippin’, runnin’, drinks his shakes, he works. He tells mummy off all the time.
Someone: what does Mummy do?
Together, loudly: She has BIG MILKY BOOBIES. BIIIIIGGGG MILKKKKY BOOBBBIES.
Me: MORTIFIED. Silent and mortified. Speechless. Shaking my head.
The babies singing and dancing: Mummy’s got big milky boobies….boobies….big….big boobies
Me: No. stop it. what does Mummy actually do alllll day?
Jasmine: You do the shopping on the Avacado (ocado) …
Me: Thank you Jasmine.
Daya: Mummy’s got…
Me: No. NO. Stop it.
*****
Them: Daddy has teeny tiny boobies. They move when he’s skippin’. Mummy has BIGGGGG
Me: Stop it.
Them: BOOOOOBBBIESSSS
Me: did you teach them this?
Anu: Nooooooooooooooooo
Me: This is getting embarrassing. They are telling everyone. Anyone who will listen. They were singing it when the Ocado guy came! Someone random was passing our drive and they told him. I was mortified.
Anu bursts out laughing.
Me: This is your fault. I bet it’s your fault.
Anu: I said nothing.
*****
The girls were on the front drive and a man was walking by. He was talking on his phone and walking towards us.
Daya: Mummy that man’s got boobies too.
Me: shhhhh Daya. Get inside. Stop it right now.
Daya: No I want to pretend- drive in the car. Look Jasmine. There’s a man with big boobies.
Me: shhh right now. I mean it.
Man gets closer.
Jasmine: Yeh Daya. He’s got boobies like Mummy. Bigggggghhhh one.
Me: RIGHT girls. Let’s go home. (I then pick both up to take them inside quickly)
Both together: But we want to stay here.
Me: No. Stop talking right now.
Thankfully he didn’t hear them.
*****
Me: you need to talk to your children and tell them off!
Anu: *silence*
Me: I mean it. They don’t listen to me.
Anu: *silence*
Me: They were talking about some guys boobies!!
Anu: hhahhhahahahahaha
Me: Its not funny. Do it now.
Anu: hahhhahahah. What did they say? Pam they are three.
Me: No. Just go and tell them not to say things like that. They are like a comedy act. And Jasmine repeats what Daya says. And actually I nearly burst out laughing.
Anu: Ok.
Me: Do it.
Anu: Babies what did you say outside.
Babies: Nuffink! Mummy told us we couldn’t play in the car.
Anu: Did you see any boobies?
Me: shakes head.
Babies, excitedly: Yes Daddy. We saw a man with big boobies. They were movin’.
Anu: bursts out laughing
Me: Yes. That’s just great. Thank you for your input.
*****
Daya: My daddy does nuffink all day. He just skips and works. He works.
Jasmine: …and Kettle bells Daya. And he gets sweaty.
Daya: yeh and he makes funny crazy sounds when he’s ‘working out’.
Jasmine, mimics a kettle bell swing: uh uh uh.
Daya: ahhahahhh
Jasmine: uh uh uh uh arghhhhhhh.
Me: laughing so hard I’m crying.
Jasmine: Look Daya, Old Lady is laughing.
Me: You what!!?!!!!!??
Jasmine: Daddy said you called Old Lady.
*****
Me: OWWWWW
I turn around and they are standing there with kitchen tongs. One each.
Me: That hurt. Did you just pinch me with that.
Together: No
Me: Don’t do it. It hurts.
Daya: but mummy….they like your bummy…
****
I was getting changed downstairs in the playroom. I had just come out of the pool.
Me: Why are you watching me ?
Daya: I’m not. I’m looking at your boobies.
Me: hmm.
Me: Jasmine stop staring. Drink some water.
Jasmine: you got no knickers on Mummy.
Me: I will in a minute.
The door bell rang. I quickly put a dress on and ran to the door. Ah the Amazon Prime man. The same one that comes a few times a week. (The one I will have to see again!)
Both together: running down the corridor.
Jasmine: Mummy’s got no knickers onnnnnnnn
Me: Daya don’t corrupt Jasmine.
Daya: Mummy’s got no knickers on. Annnnndddd she’s got no ‘booby-holder’ on.
Amazon Prime Guy: Smiling. Eye brows raised. Smiling.
Me, not making eye contact: Err. Yeh thanks bye.
Me: Stop it you two. I mean it.
Daya: She’s got no knickers on Jasmineeeee ahahhhahhhah
Five minutes later:
Me: OH my goodness. This man! Anaya. He’s been eating nonstop for the last two hours.
Anu: No I haven’t. This is my second meal of the day.
Anaya: No it’s not. I gave you ice cream.
Me: Umm Umm Ummmm. That’s right girl. You speak the truth. High five to you.
***
Daya: Daddy’s telling Mummy off.
Me: No he’s not. What does that even mean?
Daya: He….he is telling you off. He’s telling you to clean the kitchen and the dishwasher and annnnnd anddddd he told you to make a coffee.
Me: No he was telling me how he did all that and hinted that I should make a coffee.
Daya: because you didn’t do it.
Me: Whoooaaaaaa. Never stand between a man and his cleaning Daya. Never. Let them get on with it….and hide away somewhere when he’s cleaning…
****
Me: Anaya, so how’s life treating you…living here with us? How’s it going for you?
Anaya, looks at me as though I’m silly: Good.
Me: are you sure? Anything else?
Anaya: Crazy….and fun?
Me: Ok so it’s good. Any room for improvement?
Anaya: ahaha No.
Me: what about me? Am I doing a good enough job?
Anaya: YES.
Me: any room for…..
Anaya: No you’re great. You’re better than great.
Me: Silence. Excellent. That’s me done then. You’re amazing. I love you.
***
Me: Wow Daya did you dress yourself?
Daya: Yes. Anaya helped me.
Me: Daya let me take a picture for Nani…..smile…say Cheese or Sausages….
Daya: Millllllkyyyyy Boobiessss
Me: ahahhhhh that will do.